I wasn't going to write this post, but then I thought why not? Why shouldn't I talk about something that affects me daily, something I am struggling with a lot and that has become a part of me as much as I dislike it.
Living with chronic pain is a struggle in so many ways, there's the obvious ways of course, the physical and emotional demands, but then there are the struggles of it being something that is totally invisible on the surface. It's that invisibility that makes things like the guilt that comes along with being a young Mum of two little people and somebody that is self-employed and so somebody that can't just 'take it easy' even worse. Because the fact is, I have to rely on my Husband. A lot.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I am in no way shape or form unable to do anything at all, or even minimal things and for that I'm grateful, so, so grateful. I am such an on-the-go sort of person and I enjoy doing and getting on tops of things all of the time, so I hope I never get to a point where I struggle to do the majority of daily things. But there are some things that on a day-to-day basis, I struggle with. Bathing the children is something that usually sets my back pain off, along with chopping up fruit or vegetables, wrapping things like presents, writing, sitting on the floor playing, doing jigsaw puzzles, changing my Son's nappy, getting the boys in and out of the car. The list goes on. Unfortunately.
And I'm thankful for (and also slightly confused by) the fact that my back pain from the curvature in my spine comes in phases. Sometimes I can go for months with much less pain and then sometimes something small sets it off and the pain levels go up and stay up for a month or so. I try desperately to do what I can to be kind to my back, I stretch, I try yoga at home, I take strong painkillers and anti-inflammatory's, I've seen pretty much every single sort of back type professional for help. But the thing seems to be that I am always waiting for the phase to pass (and always continually hoping that it will).
I've written about my story with scoliosis, I've also written about how much it hurts and I'll be honest, reading that post right now, three and a half years later and still feeling the same, feels a bit emotionally draining. I so wish this back pain would just completely disappear.
But today isn't just about focusing on the things I struggle to do because of chronic pain, it's an opportunity for me to feel proud. Proud of all the things that despite dealing with certain levels of pain daily, I have achieved. There once was a time I could barely sit and do my job. I worked in a control room for the police and I spent every single break time in a small room, the size of a cupboard, upset, desperately trying to stretch the pain out. I had to eventually reduce my hours and come out of the pension because of the drop in salary. But even that wasn't enough and I eventually had to leave that role and I was redeployed into a role where I had the opportunity to move around a bit more. I had a chair specifically built for my back and I was shown so much support by the other staff there, but I never stopped feeling guilty. There I was, a young, healthy-looking girl struggling to even write up an accident report.
Fast forward to now and I'm a Mum of two, I own and run my own home, I support my Husband with his business that he runs from home, I work for myself and I have a blog that I have poured love, time and hard work into for the past four and a half years whilst also growing a youtube channel that I also pour love, time and hard work in to. And I hit 5000 subscribers on that youtube channel yesterday and I know that it might seem silly, especially if you're not really into the whole social media thing, but I feel so proud - I think every vlogger does when they hit a milestone. But I feel doubly proud right now because I've done this whilst struggling with a chronic pain condition that in some way affects me every single day.
If you know me at all then you will know that I hate arrogance and this is really not intended to be big-headed whatsoever, I started writing this post because of one thing - I want to remind myself and others who struggle with pain too, that living with chronic pain doesn't mean that you can't achieve your goals. I also wanted to say thank you to those of you who continue to read my blog/watch my youtube videos and follow me on social media - you're continued support is something I am so, so grateful for. And I also wanted to say a huge thank you to my amazing Husband, who is my rock and my best friend and who has no idea how grateful I am to him for his support with absolutely everything.
Living with chronic pain is a struggle in so many ways, there's the obvious ways of course, the physical and emotional demands, but then there are the struggles of it being something that is totally invisible on the surface. It's that invisibility that makes things like the guilt that comes along with being a young Mum of two little people and somebody that is self-employed and so somebody that can't just 'take it easy' even worse. Because the fact is, I have to rely on my Husband. A lot.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I am in no way shape or form unable to do anything at all, or even minimal things and for that I'm grateful, so, so grateful. I am such an on-the-go sort of person and I enjoy doing and getting on tops of things all of the time, so I hope I never get to a point where I struggle to do the majority of daily things. But there are some things that on a day-to-day basis, I struggle with. Bathing the children is something that usually sets my back pain off, along with chopping up fruit or vegetables, wrapping things like presents, writing, sitting on the floor playing, doing jigsaw puzzles, changing my Son's nappy, getting the boys in and out of the car. The list goes on. Unfortunately.
And I'm thankful for (and also slightly confused by) the fact that my back pain from the curvature in my spine comes in phases. Sometimes I can go for months with much less pain and then sometimes something small sets it off and the pain levels go up and stay up for a month or so. I try desperately to do what I can to be kind to my back, I stretch, I try yoga at home, I take strong painkillers and anti-inflammatory's, I've seen pretty much every single sort of back type professional for help. But the thing seems to be that I am always waiting for the phase to pass (and always continually hoping that it will).
I've written about my story with scoliosis, I've also written about how much it hurts and I'll be honest, reading that post right now, three and a half years later and still feeling the same, feels a bit emotionally draining. I so wish this back pain would just completely disappear.
But today isn't just about focusing on the things I struggle to do because of chronic pain, it's an opportunity for me to feel proud. Proud of all the things that despite dealing with certain levels of pain daily, I have achieved. There once was a time I could barely sit and do my job. I worked in a control room for the police and I spent every single break time in a small room, the size of a cupboard, upset, desperately trying to stretch the pain out. I had to eventually reduce my hours and come out of the pension because of the drop in salary. But even that wasn't enough and I eventually had to leave that role and I was redeployed into a role where I had the opportunity to move around a bit more. I had a chair specifically built for my back and I was shown so much support by the other staff there, but I never stopped feeling guilty. There I was, a young, healthy-looking girl struggling to even write up an accident report.
Fast forward to now and I'm a Mum of two, I own and run my own home, I support my Husband with his business that he runs from home, I work for myself and I have a blog that I have poured love, time and hard work into for the past four and a half years whilst also growing a youtube channel that I also pour love, time and hard work in to. And I hit 5000 subscribers on that youtube channel yesterday and I know that it might seem silly, especially if you're not really into the whole social media thing, but I feel so proud - I think every vlogger does when they hit a milestone. But I feel doubly proud right now because I've done this whilst struggling with a chronic pain condition that in some way affects me every single day.
If you know me at all then you will know that I hate arrogance and this is really not intended to be big-headed whatsoever, I started writing this post because of one thing - I want to remind myself and others who struggle with pain too, that living with chronic pain doesn't mean that you can't achieve your goals. I also wanted to say thank you to those of you who continue to read my blog/watch my youtube videos and follow me on social media - you're continued support is something I am so, so grateful for. And I also wanted to say a huge thank you to my amazing Husband, who is my rock and my best friend and who has no idea how grateful I am to him for his support with absolutely everything.
Thank you for reading.
Alex xo
Thank you for writing this lovely - I can really relate to what you've said. I have a genetic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, so can't remember a time when I wasn't in pain. I used a wheelchair a lot of the time, but the pain is hard to deal with. It's draining, soul-destroying and incredibly frustrating. Being nearly 30 and having to have my parents look after me definitely isn't how I hoped my life would be. But like you've said, I think it's important to acknowledge things we have done despite our pain. Your post definitely doesn't come across as arrogant - you're doing amazingly and it's important to recognise that. I love reading your blog and watching your videos, so keep feeling proud of every milestone you hit and every little thing you achieve :) Lots of love
ReplyDeleteJenny xx
www.jaffacat.co.uk
Thank you for sharing your story, it's inspiring. It sounds like you've achieved a lot and I think you're right to be proud of that. :)
ReplyDeleteZania
http://livingseasonal.blogspot.co.uk/