No matter what I do, or what I tell myself, I feel guilty every single day. Literally, every, single, day.
I don't think there's anything that can prepare you for Mummy guilt and the more children you have, the worse it gets - or that's how it feels to me anyway.
I feel guilty for the most ridiculous things and writing it down makes it sound even more silly, but honestly I can feel guilty for doing absolutely anything if I feel like the balance is even a little out. And of course the balance between Ethan, Logan, Adam, work, the house, myself is always out - you can give you're absolute all and split yourself in as many ways as you can before you break and it'll still never feel like enough.
Having children of the ages I do, eight months and nearly three years, is a killer when it comes to mummy guilt. Just this morning I promised Ethan I'd help him colour in his Peppa Pig colouring book once I'd finished cleaning Logan's bottles. I knew Logan probably wanted to be picked up, but Ethan wanted me too.
Ethan wanted to sit on my lap and have me hold the pen with him, so we all sat up at the table, Logan in his chair with some toys and Ethan on my lap. We managed about five minutes of colouring before Logan had had enough and then needed a nappy change. As we all headed upstairs, I did my best to explain to Ethan that Logan needed to be changed so we had had to stop. After a nappy change Logan was having a bit of a cry, I wondered if he was tired so I tried to settle him in his bed. Ethan played in his room for a bit, but then wandered into our study to see his Daddy - he wanted to play Lego with him (Adam runs a Lego business from home), but Daddy had to work. Adam gave Ethan Lego to play with whilst he worked around him, but he was in a rush - he had his other job to go, which he wouldn't be home from until gone 9pm. Logan was tired but was fighting his sleep, he took around half an hour to finally settle. By this time, I knew this was my only opportunity to get dressed before Adam left for work, so I got myself dressed. But the entire time all I could think about what has guilty I felt that I couldn't just fit in a bit of colouring with Ethan.
I do my best to make time for each of my boys and for Adam and our relationship. I do my best to keep on top of the house and prioritise jobs thats need doing and ones that can wait. (I'm getting scared to open our wardrobes in our bedroom because I've kind of just been throwing things in them!). I do my best to keep up with my blog, the personal side of it and the side that is my income. I know I'm trying my best, but still I beat myself up with guilt every day.
Adam reminded me this morning that we'll get through this stage, the stage where both of the boys want something different from us at the exact same time. We'll get through the stage of things being so manic during the day that we're having to stay up working until midnight, not really getting to see much of each other. It will pass and when it does, we'll look back and be proud that we did manage it, that we did juggle so well and we'll reap the reward of seeing both of our boys playing together - doing things as brothers.
Mummy guilt is something I'm desperate to get a hold on - sometimes I manage it and others day I crumble and let it consume me. I don't think I'm alone in how I feel either. I think a lot of us parents put too many pressures on ourselves, expect that we can achieve much more in a day than we really can. I think the key is to remember that when our children are big and grown, it's likely that they'll only remember that even if they couldn't have us as much as they would have liked, they knew we were always trying our best by them and doing everything we do, with them and our family in mind.
Do you suffer with Mummy-guilt too? How do you manage it?