When It All Becomes A Bit Too Much

I almost don't want to write this, mostly because if something ever happens to me before I am old and grey I hope that my boys will read through this little blog I've created, flick through the photos and enjoy the videos I've made so far of our memories.

But then there's a part of me who feels she needs to reach out, there's a part of me who just wants to maybe hear the words, "I understand" or even put into practise any advice anyone may have. There's a big part of me who perhaps relies on the online community of Mums, in the form of readers, subscribers and other bloggers and vloggers for support when I feel I sometimes don't really know where else to turn.

I truly believe that honesty is the absolute best policy when it comes to life. I'm not the sort of person to hide my feelings or pretend I'm someone I'm not, what's the point? If I'm struggling with myself I'm happy to admit it, if I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed I'll always say. But writing down that I'm struggling (big time) with my boys behaviour at the moment, makes me almost feel quite bad.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to bad behaviour, hey us parents all know that that's part and parcel of being a parent. If you want the good times, you gotta take the bad. But at the moment, the bad behaviour just seems to be hugely outweighing the good.

I think it's been building up for a while, I think I've just been brushing it off thinking well that's a three year old for you, or that's a one year old. But it's silently been getting me down. It feels as if every moment is a moment for bad behaviour at the moment. It feels like all I can ever hear is crying and shouting, even when it's not really there, it's almost echoing in my head.

I was editing a day in the life video I made at the weekend last night. I am spending my evenings working a lot because I can't concentrate during the day when it's my time to work, my head's a mess trying to work out what I can do differently to make things feel a little calmer around here. Whilst editing, I noticed that Ethan was doing or saying something he shouldn't in every single clip I took throughout the day. I think seeing it in front of me like that hit me hard as I know that that's pretty much what life at home looks like for us with the boys right now.

I don't want to write about every occasion, or even any - I don't feel right doing that. But I'm struggling to know how to pull out any form of good behaviour from my eldest at the moment. We've never received a bad complaint from preschool and hardly any from Grandma. But at home, or out, or at swimming, just wherever we are with Ethan, it's a constant battle and there's no signs of it getting any better.

With Logan it's different, of course it is, he's only one, but it's not been much easier even so. Going out with him anywhere is almost impossible. The looks you get when your baby is screaming at the top of his lungs in the middle of somewhere aren't particularly welcoming. They don't know though that he's cried pretty much the entire time we're getting ready, the entire car journey, the entire shop and the entire ride home. And that that is just a normal thing. You see, Logan likes going where Logan likes, it's simple really, but not always practical to hit up soft play when really you just need a pint of milk and a loaf of bread.

Without going into many more specifics and making myself feel any worse for publicly complaining about the two people who rule my heart and my world and who even during times that feel as hard as this lately, make me feel too lucky and unbelievably thankful, I just needed to share where my head's been at.

It's been a bit of a struggle watching so many lovely vlogmas videos go up lately from fellow online friends. I love them, they're beautiful videos. I just can't help but feel I am doing something wrong at the moment. It's as hard as hearing parents say that their children have always been a breeze, or that they are so laid-back and chilled. I always recognise that all children have different personalities, but even so I start to turn on myself, asking myself if there's things I should be doing differently. I guess it's the same sort of thing as the way I feel about Ethan's fussy eating.

Adam and I have spoken and we have a plan, we're going to change things up. Try new things. Work through this phase and stay strong. This isn't the sort of post I like to write and it isn't nice to sit here writing so close to tears, but this is my space, this is my Motherhood and this is a chapter of it.

Boys, I know that if you read this one day that you'll get it, especially so if you a parent yourselves (that's a scary thought!). I don't ever want you to browse back through this little space I have created on the web and think parenting is a breeze, because it really isn't (unless you're incredibly lucky, haha!). It's the absolute BEST thing you'll ever do, the absolute best. But sometimes it's a bit like climbing a very tall mountain at three in the morning on no sleep and an empty stomach. What I'm trying to say is, being a parent will make you the happiest you'll ever be, but sometimes it can be quite hard too.

I saw this quote in the back of someones car today. I was rushing back to my car after returning something to Argos. I had Logan crying in my arms and I'd just finished a phone call with Adam, who I could barely hear as Ethan was screaming at him so loud because he'd been really disruptive at swimming and so wasn't allowed a treat from the machine. It kind of felt like someone was giving me a message, and so I thought I would just leave those same words here.


  1. Do you know what? I TOTALLY understand. I could have written this today. I've got a 5 year old boy, a 4 year old boy and 2 year old boy and they are being, to put it bluntly, little sh*ts at the moment. I know a lot of it is age related - they're all pushing boundaries, it's Christmas coming up etc etc but that just doesn't help. We too have put a plan in place and hoping it will start working very soon. What does help me is keeping them busy as much as possible (difficult when I also work from home!) and remembering and making the most of the moments where they are little angels. xx

  2. I love this post so much. I have two boys (one is two, one is almost 4 months) and sometimes it's tough. My amazing, handsome, smart, funny two year old has been acting out lately (pretty sure out of jealousy from the youngest) and it's tiring. The screaming, the tantrums - it's exhausting. Just Sunday, we took him to see Santa even though he's been feeling a little under the weather. Well, apparently, sugar + not feeling well + who the hell knows = screaming child. Would you believe a woman there started yelling, "Look at him! Screaming like a girl." Personally, I was just shrugging it off but at that moment I wanted to scream at her, "You know what, asshole? You screaming at him doesn't make the situation any better. You calling him a girl because he's screaming is literally the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Are you on crack!?" but I shrugged it off and walked away with him. I found out later, both my fiance and mom wanted to chew her out.

    Anyway, with that story, I just wanted to say that you're not alone. And that some people will be not so understanding but most will. Most will give you a smile in the aisle like, "Hey. It's cool." <3

  3. Honestly your not alone, I question every day if I am really cut out for motherhood. In my pre baby job I worked with children in care and I always come back to what I learnt there. My boy is also three and sweet as pie with everyone but me and I keep telling myself that he lets out all his emotions with me because he knows he is safe and not going to be rejected. It doesn't make it feel any better but it does offer a cause. I always notice with my little one that he becomes quite aggressive and naughty just before he makes a massive leap in development. I span between feeling weak and authoritarian on a daily basis so be kind to yourself. Being a mother is harder than working in a prison I can tell you lol

  4. You're certainly not alone! I have a nearly 4yo and a nearly 18mo and at the moment the 18mo is most definitely pushing his luck! The two guides I have found invaluable with dealing with young children are the ToddlerCalm book and ahaparenting website. It's so helpful as they explain why 'bad' behaviour happens more with mum and there's lots of ways to help. It might sound a bit out there but I've also found 15 minutes of meditation a day really help me with my emotions and ability to remain calm when everyone else is losing it!

  5. Hi Alex, I really feel for you! I must confess, I don't come read your blog posts often, but I'm pretty sure you're a gentle mummy and would really benefit from a site called 'Hand in Hand' parenting which has really opened my eyes on how to deal with 'bad' behaviour in a way that felt right to me. It may well NOT be the case for you, but my husband and I realised we've had too high expectations for our 3 year old lately and things have become a lot easier since realising this. I love how 'Hand in Hand' explain the reasons why little ones act up, and to see these stressful outbursts as an opportunity to help more than anything. They have some great approaches called 'Staylistening' and 'Playlistening' which are very rewarding to use as parents. It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job and the fact that you so desperately want help shows what a loving mum you are - so first of all, know that! You've got this! Xxxx