It hurts..

So many times today I've tried to find the concentration and ability to respond to emails, to write one of the blog posts that I had planned to write, to leave a few comments on some other blogs. So many times today I've imagined how I'd sit on the floor and play with Ethan and how we'd practice taking a few steps together (he's loving being up on his feet lately). I've done a lot of thinking today, in fact I've done so much thinking that my mind has raced with silly things all day yet I haven't actually achieved much physically. Am I feeling lazy? - Not particularly. Can I be bothered? Yes. So why is it  that I haven't done any of the things that I'd planned to.

There's only one reason, and that reason is, that it just hurts so much. So much that I couldn't possibly pretend that it doesn't. I'm talking about living with chronic back pain, I'm talking about living with the the nightmare that is scoliosis. 

Please don't think that I want anyones sympathy, because I don't. Because actually, I'm okay, I have my health, I'm not sick or dying. I'm lucky compared to some people, a lot of people - I know that. And I'm beyond grateful and thankful for that. But I just need to vent right now, I need to say what I want to say because it's the only thing that I can actually do. It's the only power I have over the pain I feel in my back. Tablets and 'treatments' serve no purpose other than sitting neatly besides a tick box on the list of 'Have I tried?'. Massage serves only as a comfort, not a cure but a small amount of relief for half an hour or so. My Husband helps with this and I love him for it, but the frustration I suppress after he's rubbed my back (and his hands) sore and the knots still sit there as tight as ever, is becoming hard to bear. As is the frustration of struggling to pick my baby up, but doing it anyway and bearing the intensity and anger of my back muscles as a result.

I feel helpless. So helpless. I want to find a way to manage this daily pain, I suppose I'm lucky in that the intensity of it comes in phases..

I'm sorry that this post isn't particularly cheery, I suppose that I've written it more for me than you. I wanted to channel the pain into written words and tell it that yes it's hurts but I'll be okay. And now I'm going to go put my Son to bed and hope that his spine is more kind to him.

P.S. This is what Ethan had to say on the matter:
/ jun rtcyhv 5rtbvy6h7tfhy
(I like to think that maybe means, "Mummy, I love you'. :)

Related post: <Scoliosis + Me>